


Warriors and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

by moonsamurai



Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
Genre: Gen, Hope you laugh, Humor, crackiest shit i've written in a while, i'm sorry i forgot sky, it's mostly safe lmao, very slight tw for a little bit of blood and glass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:34:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22019479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonsamurai/pseuds/moonsamurai
Summary: It's in the title, but couple that with Twilight punching a window, getting glass stuck in his hand, Wild with a flaming chainsaw-- it's really not a good day for Warriors.Well, for Warriors. For us... it's a different story.
Relationships: Four & Hyrule & Legend & Sky & Time & Twilight & Warriors & Wild & Wind (Linked Universe)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 68





	Warriors and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

**Author's Note:**

> I'm just- Thank you Hinn and Vik for the prompts on the LU discord! This was supposed to be angst but I accidentally tweaked a lot of details so now it's crack.
> 
> I haven't written crack in a while, so I hope y'all have fun with it! XD

"I'm fine, I'm fine!"

"You clearly are not."

"Whaddya mean?"

"...Your eyes are red, your nose is stuffy, you look like you're dying-"

"Okay fine, I'm a little sick."

"Suuuure..."

It was a beautiful winter morning. Snow was falling, covering the everything in a fine white powder, landing in layers. Birds were chirping, the sun was shining, if barely.

And Warriors was sick.

"Your immune system must hate you," Twilight commented, rolling over to face Warriors under his blankets.

Glowering, Warriors crossed his arms.

"It's really not that bad," he said, coughing. This escalated into hacking and basically dying.

"You were saying?"

"Shut up, Twi. You'd be saying the same thing."

"Touche," Twilight replied, grinning. "But then again, I'm not the one who got sick the day before our trip."

"Don't remind me," Warriors grumbled, kicking the blankets off of him and placing his feet on the ground. "I better get to go skiing tomorrow."

"At this rate you you'll be staying at home."

"Will you shush?"

"Look, you might as well resign yourself to bed rest right now. Once Time, Wild, and Wind see you, they're forcing you back to bed whether you like it or not," Twilight laughed, pushing his own blankets to the side.

"Not if they don't see me, they won't," Warriors responded, making his way to the closet, stepping carefully over clothing, discarded playing cards, and whatnot.

They were a couple of boys staying in one room- such was the curse of messiness.

Now if Malon didn't get on their case so often...

"Oh? And how are you going to do that?"

Warriors glanced back at Twilight, who was raising an eyebrow in curiosity. Well, if he was asking, Warriors might as well indulge him.

"Out the window, of course!"

Twilight blinked, shook his head, and blinked again. Warriors watched him with a dopey smile, daring him to say anything.

"...Excuse me? I don't think I heard you correctly-"

"Out the window!"

"Okay never mind, I heard you."

Twilight slapped his forehead, dropping his face into his hands.

"Are you serious."

"Yep!"

"War, look, I- No."

"But-"

"I'm not letting you throw yourself out from a three story window just because you don't want to stay in bed."

"Twiiiii pleeeeaaaaase?"

"No. You are not getting gravelly injured on my watch."

Pouting, Warriors put on his usual attire- a long sleeved shirt with a green jacket and thick, woolen pants to protect himself from the weather.

He slipped on his signature scarf and glared at Twilight, who had found his own clothes. A T-shirt with the word "GOATS" on it coupled with a picture of said animal, long pants, and boots.

Pulling on his fingerless gloves, Twilight turned back to Warriors and shook his head.

"If you climb out the window, I swear to the three holy goddesses."

"But Twi, I don't want to sit in bed the whole day!"

"War, you're going to have to if you're going to go skiing tomorrow," Twilight said gently, walking up to his brother. "And I'm going to call Time up here in ten seconds, so I suggest you go to bed _now."_

Warriors crossed his arms, stubbornly refusing to move from his spot. Twilight tugged on Warriors' scarf, but he refused to budge.

Twilight mentally counted to 10 and sighed.

"Your choice."

With that, Twilight exited the room, closing the door behind him with an ominous click.

Now was his chance! Quickly, Warriors dashed over to the window-

"What are you doing?"

In a hurry, Warriors slammed the window back down, but his hands weren't fortunate.

"ACK- FUCK! AGH THAT HURTS LIKE A BUTTCHEEK ON A STICK- SHIIIIT THAT HURTS!" Warriors swore, trying to pull his fingers out. This wasn't very smart of him- he could hear it crack.

"War, what the fuck are you doing," Legend asked, his mouth curled in an amused smile.

"YOU BITCH, HELP ME GET MY GODDAMNED FINGERS OUT!"

"Well... this is kind of hilarious..."

_"LEGEND!"_

"What?"

"THIS ISN'T SOMETHING TO LAUGH AT, MY FINGERS ARE _BROKEN!"_ Warriors screeched, trying to push the window up.

Unfortunately, due to plot convenience, the window was stuck.

"FUCK YOU SAM-"

"Warriors, watch your fuckin' language. Also you are single handedly responsible for two hundred animals losing their homes because you broke the walls!" Legend snapped, tapping his feet. "Now quit being so dramatic and get your fingers out."

"I'M ASKING YOU TO HELP ME!"

"And I'm telling you to stop being dramatic!"

With a loud painful groan, attempted to get his fingers out yet again, which wasn't exactly doing any favors for him.

Legend shook his head, walking over to his brother and examining the window.

"How the _fuck_ did you get your fingers stuck?" Legend asked, his eye twitching.

"DON'T ASK ME! I JUST CLOSED THE WINDOW!"

"WHY DID YOU HAVE IT OPEN IN THE FIRST PLACE?!"

"He was trying to jump out of it."

"TWI! HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT!"

"WHY WERE YOU TRYING TO _JUMP OUT THE GODDAMN WINDOW?!"_

"He's sick and he didn't want to be confined to bed rest," Twilight deadpanned, walking over to Warriors.

"Well, he's not going to get confined to bed rest- he's going straight to a mental institute at this rate," Legend remarked, sliding his hands under the window and pulling up.

The window refused to budge.

"Are you kidding me?! Is this window like a fucking _final boss?!_ Bruh, I've almost gotten _assaulted_ and I managed to win in a fight where someone was trying to kill me, and I CAN'T GET PAST A GODDAMNED WINDOW!"

"Well, that's just how the world works."

Both Warriors and Twilight stared at Legend.

"Are you fucking serious."

"Yes."

Twilight facepalmed and stepped away.

"Do I need to break the window...?" Twilight asked slowly, growing more concerned by the second.

"Please!" Warriors yelled, coughing.

"Oooh, you sound horrible."

"Tell me something I don't know!"

"Both of you shut up before I break you."

"Okay."

Sighing, the former Ordonian curled his hand into a fist.

"Warriors, you owe me."

"I know, now GET THIS STUPID WINDOW OFF OF ME!"

"Okay, okay!"

With a yell, Twilight punched the window as hard as he could. Because of his superior strength and the fact that the window was glass, it shattered.

Well, to clarify, the *panes* shattered. The frame on the other hand...

"OW SHIT- GLASS!" Warriors shouted as the the sharp shards rained down on his vulnerable hands.

"Fuck," Twilight hissed, glass lodged in his hand.

"That... wasn't a good idea, Twi," Legend laughed, shaking his head.

"Oh, what gave you that idea, Mr. Obvious?" Twilight responded mildly, poking the skin around the glass stuck in his hand.

Legend pointed at the shard and shrugged.

"I think that says enough."

"Both of you, *shut up and help me.*"

"We've done all that we could," Legend replied, squinting at the frame.

"That's bullshit and you know it. The frame's still stuck!" Warriors whined, wriggling his fingers.

"I could punch that too."

"Somehow, I don't think that's going to work."

"Just try," Warriors groaned.

"Alright," Twilight said. He raised his right hand and shrugged. "There's not much that could go wrong at this point."

He reared his hand back and aimed-

"Boys, what the *fuck* are you doing?"

"Old man, they're crazy," Legend called, pointing at the frozen Twilight. "He's going to punch a frame because Warriors somehow got his finger stuck under it."

"...What?"

"Basically Warriors slammed the window close and his fingers go stuck, and then Twilight punched the window and there's glass stuck in his hand now," Legend explained.

"Okay, why was the window open in the first place?!"

"Warriors was going to jump out of it," Twilight said. Warriors fumed in silence, wriggling his fingers impatiently.

"... _WHAT?"_

"Rewind, rewind, rewind, **_War._** "

"What? I thought you and Wind were going to force me to stay in bed!"

"Yeah, if you're this sick! You were the one who wanted to go skiing tomorrow!" Time yelled, throwing his hands into the air. _"Obviously_ you're not going like this- you're going to the mental facility!"

"That's what I said," Legend cut in, hand over his mouth in an attempt to stop himself from laughter.

"Legend, you son of a bitch."

"Warriors, Malon is not a bitch."

"I WAS REFERRING TO YOU."

"Well, that's not very nice."

Twilight rolled his eyes and punched the frame. It cracked, but somehow it didn't break.

Warriors groaned dramatically.

"Am I gonna be stuck here forever?!"

"Probably not."

There was a whirring sound. The others turned back to see Wild with a *chainsaw on fire,* smiling disconcertingly.

"War, hold still."

"WHAT THE FU- WHY DO YOU HAVE A CHAINSAW?!"

"I found it in the garage."

_"HOW?!"_

"You're telling me you found a random chainsaw in the garage?" Legend asked in a deadpan, crossing his arms.

"Yes. Okay, War, hold on," Wild said, revving the chainsaw up. The fire was exceedingly bright and huge, concerning most of them.

"Wild, shouldn't you put out the fire...?"

"Nah, it'll be fine! Trust me!"

Warriors very much did *not* trust Wild, who had a record of burning everything down.

"Wild, if you burn my stuff, you owe me a hundred," Twilight called.

"I won't burn your things! I'll burn Warriors' things, though."

"WHAT?!"

"Hold still!"

Warriors flinched, feeling the heat of the chainsaw that was very close to his face.

Luckily, Wild had the decency to look bad as he cut the frame away. At the end, when he somehow finished without burning the house down, Warriors pulled away in relief, massaging his fingers.

"Ow..." he muttered. He could smell smoke for no actual reason other than Wild's chainsaw. "It smells like smoke."

"Uh, War...?"

"War, your hair..."

"Wha-"

Warriors reached up to his hair and his eyes widened.

Heat.

"WHAT THE FUCK- WILD DID YOU SET MY HAIR ON FIRE?!"

"I said I'd burn your things!"

"I THOUGHT YOU MEANT MY STUFF, NOT MY *HAIR!"*

"I'm sorry!"

"YOU BETTER BE SORRY!"

"What's going on?!" Wind's voice shouted over Warriors' screaming.

The youngest boy stood there, his expression in surprise.

"Warriors' hair is on fire," they all chorused except Warriors, who was screaming.

"Oh, I have a solution to that, be right back!"

Wind's footsteps thumped away, and slower, lighter footsteps approached.

"Guys, what in the name of Hylia is going on?"

Four entered the scene, his hood on with an annoyed expression.

"I've heard so much screaming this morning, the entire world might as well know at this point," he hissed before taking a good look at Warriors, who was still screeching.

"Oh."

"Yeeeeaaaah, you caught us at the wrong time."

"What happened?"

"Well... Warriors was sick and didn't want to stay in bed so he tried to jump out the window, but I walked in and he slammed the window down and his fingers got stuck, so Twilight punched the window and then Time walked in, then Twi punched the frame, Wild walked in with a flaming chainsaw, cut War free but set his hair on fire, and Wind should be back any second now," Legend explained in one breath.

"Sorry, I didn't catch any of that," Hyrule said, popping in. "All I hear was that Wild set War's hair on fire and Wind is-"

"Back!" Wind yelled, cutting Hyrule off.

In his hand was the biggest leaf that the others had ever seen.

"Wow, where'd you get that from?"

"I don't know."

"That's Wild with all of his items," Twilight shrugged.

"Hey!"

"Okay, hold on," Four said, snapping out of his stupor. "War tried to *jump out a window,* and then his fingers got stuck under said window- *what?"*

"It doesn't make sense, we know," Legend responded, shaking his head.

"So he's going to a mental institute?" Hyrule and Four chorused.

"DAMMIT GUYS!" Warriors screamed, trying to put out the fire.

"HYAH!" Wind yelled, slamming his hands down with the leaf, which sent a huge gust of wind at Warriors, who stopped for a split second.

And if you know how fire works, oxygen fuels it. Sending wind is also sending oxygen. This fueled the fire, and blew it to the back of Warriors' head.

Understandably, he freaked.

"AH! WIND!" Warriors screamed, his voice breaking as he tried to put the flames out. "THAT'S NOT HELPING!"

"It isn't?"

"IT'S NOT!"

"AAHHH SOMEONE HELP ME GET THE FIRE OUT!" Warriors yelled, dropping to the ground.

"STOP DROP AND ROLL, PEASANT!" Legend screamed back as Hyrule dashed out of the room.

"PEASANT?! YOU'RE THE HEATHEN!"

"BOTH OF YOU ARE STUPID, NOW SHUSH," Time boomed, glaring at them.

"Okay, boomer."

"What?"

"Nothing!"

"Doesn't it concern you that you have blood running down your hands *and* there's a shard of glass stuck in your hand?" Four asked, pointing at Twilight's hand.

"Oh shit, I forgot this was here."

"... _How?"_

"I don't know, ask the author."

"TWI DIDN'T YOU HEAR THE WALLS?!"

"AH I'M SORRY!"

**_"YOU SHOULD BE!"_ **

"War!" Hyrule called, rushing into the room with a towel in one hand and a bowl of water balancing on the other.

"HYRULE, YOU ARE MY SAVIOR!" Warriors screeched. Laughing, Hyrule dumped the water on Warriors' face and hair, who sighed in relief.

"THANK YOU!"

"No problem. Try not to get your hair on fire next time?"

"IT WAS WILD'S FAULT!"

"I SAID I'M SORRY!"

"Here."

Hyrule turned to Twilight, handing him the towel.

"Huh?"

"To take the glass out with?"

"O-Oh. Thanks," Twilight said, startled. He accepted the towel and stared at the glass suspiciously before taking a deep breath...

And slamming his hand on the glass.

"OW!"

"WH- TWI, WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"TWILIGHT, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

"I'M TRYING TO PUSH IT OUT!"

"YOU COULD HAVE JUST PULLED IT OUT!"

"THAT HURTS!"

_"SLAMMING YOUR HAND INTO THE GLASS HURTS MORE!"_

"WELL- I DON'T HAVE AN ANSWER BUT I'LL THINK OF ONE!"

"TWILIGHT BOTH OF YOUR HANDS ARE BLEEDING NOW!"

"I KNOW! BUT IT HURTS LESS!"

_"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"_

"I DON'T KNOW, ASK YOURSELF! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO HAD ME!"

"That's a low blow."

"I know."

"Boys..."

They turned around.

"What the heck is happening? Why is there blood on the floor and fire on Warriors' clothes?"

"MY CLOTHES!"

Warriors dove towards the clothes that were on fire and body slammed them, rolling and putting out the flames.

"Fuck you, Wild."

"Didn't I say I was going to set these on fire?"

"I didn't think you'd actually do that!"

"War, that proves how little you know Wild. You think he's *not* going to set your things on fire?"

"Well, fair, but still!"

Malon laughed, crossing her arms.

"You boys are silly. Okay, now clean yourselves up and get downstairs, you've been at this for an hour."

"Uh, Malon, you might want to help Twi-"

"FUCK! OW!"

"He's trying to pull out a shard of glass by stabbing it further in?"

Malon was silent for a second.

"That's how you take out things in your hands, ain't it?"

"Nah, I jest," Malon laughed, walking up to Twilight, who was muttering curses under his breath.

"First of all-"

_THWAP_

"OW! MOM!"

"Watch your language! Second of all, what are you, stupid?"

"I'm _special-_ there's a difference."

"Okay, take a deep breath, sweetie. One, two three-"

"Mom, what are you-"

With a winning smile, Malon yanked the shard of glass out of Twilight's hand, eliciting a shout.

"MOM THAT HURTS, OW, SHIT!"

"WATCH YO FUCKIN' LANGUAGE! Okay, all of you, clean up."

Time immediately left. He was not going to get subjected to his wife's wrath.

The others promptly followed, with Malon at the back, muttering something about 'children these days.'

Well, all except for Warriors and Twilight, who stayed behind to clean up their room.

"My hair..."

"You're being dramatic."

"You'd be doing the same thing if your hair was burned off!"

"...Fuck. Touche."

"Exactly!"

They were silent for a second before Twilight laughed.

"I can't believe you got your fingers stuck under a fucking window frame."

"Shut the fuck up. I'll have you know-"

"You're going to a mental institute, I know."

"You're coming with me."

"I am not."

"Yes you are."

"Don't deny it."

Laughing, Twilight walked to the door.

"Hey, at least you're not coughing anymore," he said, changing the subject.

"Wait- I'm NOT?! HOLY MOLY HALLELUJAH, THE GODDESSES HAVE BLESSED ME!" Warriors cheered, throwing his hands up in glee.

Laughing, Twilight slipped out of the room to bandage his hands.

"TWI YOU'RE STILL GOING TO A MENTAL INSTITUTE!"

"SHUT UP! YOU STILL OWE ME!"

**Author's Note:**

> Can I get an F for Warriors' hair/clothes and his fingers and a RIP for Twi's hand? XD
> 
> I can't write endings, I'm sorry XD
> 
> I know Sky and First were supposed to be in the prompt but I'm lazy and I forgot about them lmao
> 
> So thanks for reading, love y'all, bye :>


End file.
